Tour Manager’s Diary, 2004

Colchester claims to be the oldest recorded town in England and its fastest growing city.  It can make another claim too: a roundabout for every citizen.

I get lost in Colchester about once every two years, and 2004 was such a year.  I got about as far as the amazing wheels-within-wheels system, took a wrong spoke and ended up; well, who cares.

Woe unto him who doth take the wrong exit,
for confusion shall be upon him,
and there will be much wailing and gnashing of teeth,
and many oaths shall be uttered,
before he shall find his way to Wivenhoe.

Welcome to the Suffolk Tour! 

Essex University

Essex University can be strong or they can be weak, and it’s as variable as the weather.  Talking of the weather – for one must - there clearly had been a lot of rain but the weather was fine on the day.  A wicket that is normally hard looked distinctly soft so skipper Marc Thomas fancied a bowl.  

Essex Bat

With low, slow bounce we kept the scoring down to less than 2 an over for the first twelve or so.  Anton Madzarevic’s 5-2-6-1 deserves special mention as does Mike Pattison’s 3 - 29. 

Catching provided a rare spectacle of excellence, especially in the slips.  Andy McKeon took two, as did Jeremy Jarvis and Stefan Madzarevic behind the stumps took one plus a couple of stumpings.

Friendly bowling changes towards the end, perhaps aided by a slow-moving scoreboard, saw Essex achieve a surprising 145-9.

Mandarins Reply

My detour round Colchester meant that I’d not yet done the supermarket thing, so I didn’t see much immediately after tea.  When I got back we were 72-3 and 7 overs into our final 20.  With the scoring rate as good as this, the small band of spectators had, well, gone home. 

My presence back at the ground also saw Barrie immediately stumped (and no, I wasn’t umpiring) for 36, and the stage was set for a match-winning innings by someone. Anyone?  When Rob Eastaway “pulled” a cover drive, the ball dollied up to mid on and that was that. 

Mandarins (112) lost to Essex University (145 – 9) by 33 runs.

After beers in the usual place (refurbished, modern, not necessarily better) we set off across country to Framlingham where the usual (and only) curry awaited.  Not a good year at the Prince of India (think stew, with curry powder) though spirits were high before some serious card play; more of that later.

Framlingham College

The game against Framlingham College is, for me, the peak of the season.  It occurs at the centre of the main Mandarins event of the year; and it’s a “home game” in the sense that everyone can walk to the pitch from the sofa.  No long slog round the South Circular, getting to fiddly pick-up points or lost in the backstreets of some country idyll that makes up a typical fixture.  The pitch at the College is always in pristine condition, and even better this year because of the covers.

And did we need covers!  The day started dull, got duller, and then rained steadily.  We were on and off a few times, but the pitch stayed intact.  Thankfully it wasn’t cold.

In the Field

Framlingham went into bat and we seemed to be holding them with some great bowling from Ollie (4 - 28) and Anton (3 - 31), who was unlucky not to get more.  In one great over, a confident leg-before shout was ignored, and two snicks through the slips went for two boundaries rather than two wickets (in case you wondered: yes, this is Mandarins slip-fielding reverting to its mean).  Tidy spells from Rob (1 - 18) and Hayder (1 – 21) kept scoring in check.

But there were other bowlers.

Graham Stegmann was given proper respect at first, but towards the end of his spell some fancy bat took a liking to him and he was taken off.

Now, I’ve never bowled well at Framlingham.  No, let’s rephrase that: I lob up the same pies as usual, but the Fram batsmen are good enough to take proper advantage where others play and miss basically straight deliveries.

I remember the first six – and it wasn’t that bad a ball, really – because it ended up in the far tennis court, which is quite a distance.  But that good-old selective memory thing ensures that I don’t remember the second six or, indeed, how I came to give away 27 off two overs.  Funnily enough, I fancied a third over; but skipper Chris Healey did the merciful thing and tossed the ball to Ollie, who can’t really be blamed for the tile knocked out of the pavilion roof by the next big six.

Mandarins Reply

But it did at least give us a score worth having a slash at.  Marc (43) and Barrie (18) opened solidly enough till Barrie was given – guess – LBW.  No mercy from umpire Hurst, bedecked as he was in a wonderful flat cap that brought out the best of his Yorkshire brogue.

A masterful innings from Chris (65*), supported by Stefan (16), myself (12), and Ollie (8) did the business.  Just in time too as the rain came down soon after.

Mandarins (180 / 6) beat Framlingham (176 / 9) by four wickets.

The Danger of Low Pairs!

The tour party was joined by Paul Mills as we adjourned to Harrison’s for a dinner that was first rate.  Not cheap though, especially the wine bill, and after several enjoyable years here, we have some new ideas for next year.

Thus we retired to the comfort of Pembroke House for a few friendly games of cards.

Poker is the new Perudo.  Well, that’s what Ollie said, and he may just be right.  A very surprised Rob taking Jenna for her morning constitutional bumped into the poker hacks still hard at it at 5am!

There’s a lot of skill as well as luck in poker; but all I can claim to have picked up is “the danger of low pairs” – Ollie could quote all the odds from memory - and an interesting amusement they called The Eastaway Fold.  Not that Rob actually showed off the manoeuvre that bears his name; so we developed the theme to finer levels with the Mills Fold and perhaps to its climax of folly with The Heard Fold (essentially, chucking your hand in when it’s not your bid, and when not everyone has equaled what you’ve already put in the middle).

Not the Pimpernels Game

Marc set some kind of record by not reporting for breakfast till 2pm.  But no-one really minded, you see, as the Pimpernels game had already been abandoned on Friday evening (rain, wet pitch etc.).  Ironically, Saturday was a beautiful day.  I was going to write about it, but in the end I doubt if anyone’s really interested in who went to the owl sanctuary or what they found there; or just how competitively Tony Hawkhead plays tennis.

But here’s an idea of just how wretched the weather really was.

The Coaching Manual

Much interest was however roused when a fascinating document was discovered in the driveway, having fallen out of someone’s kit bag?  The Coaching Manual will prove to be a classic of its kind when it is published, as surely it must.

Dinner at the Station was excellent.

Home via Melton St Audrey’s

Melton’s Thirds weren’t that strong when we played them last year, and this year they reckoned it was largely the same side, a year older.  Based on this intelligence, we decided to bat.

Older and Better

But what a difference a year can make!  The bowling was quicker in some cases, and respectable all round, despite seven players being given a go.

Tony made 49, mostly with his trademark windmill stroke, dashing the ball over slips and down the pitch.  Chris Baker – down for just this game – also avoided a jug by the same margin.  Barrie was amongst the runs as usual with 35, whilst it was heartening to see Martin (29) back in Mandarins colours after barely surviving six months of physiotherapy.  Oh, and I almost forgot: Marc asked me not to mention how he was castled by a buy in a black shirt who hadn’t bowled for a couple of years.  So I won’t.

And that was about it really!  Hayder impressed by walking for LBW before the umpire’s finger could move (“I know where my middle stump is”); and I’m not sure how it happened, but apparently I stopped in mid-wicket whilst returning for a second run, stared at the ball for just long enough that the ball could be returned to the umpire in time for my bails to be removed.  It looked pretty daft, they told me, and with went the innings for just north of 200.

The Simon Hughes Theory

Going in last, I was given the ball first.  And that was good because I had a Simon Hughes theory to test.  He says that during a bowler’s run-up, you should look at the spot where you intend to pitch the ball.  That’s interesting, because I’d spent most of the last twenty years staring at the batsman’s head when I gallop to the crease.  Sound likely to you?  Anyway, there are no known pictures.

Melton’s batting hasn’t come along on so far in a year as the bowling, and with Hayder (3 – 10) turning the ball at right-angles and Graham (3 – 7) pitching it right on the spot, Melton were soon in trouble.  I’ve forgotten the detail of the eight (!) dropped catches.  After Melton finished just north of a ton, we retired to their very impressive pavilion for a few beers.

Epilogue

This was a fun tour to organise and I hope everyone enjoyed it as much as I did.  Thanks to Barrie for fixing the dinner, and for doing it again next year.  Also to Sarah McKeon who did the scoring throughout. I’ve already had volunteers offering to fix the food and wine for next year - which probably says something about the corned beef sandwiches I served up for Framlingham tea; but thanks anyway, help is always welcome.

You might also be interested in the rest of the pictures.

Roll on 2005!

Andy Heard
London, 27^th August 2004.